


i'm struggling to exist with you (and without you)

by cornerstones



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Character Study, Friendship, Gen, Introspection, M/M, PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics, Relationship Study, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 12:45:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18623569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerstones/pseuds/cornerstones
Summary: He still remembers what it felt like, being 20 and full of happiness over his second medal, what it felt like having his whole career right there in front of him, full of so many chances waiting to be taken. How silver in a Grand Prix event was the stuff of dreams and how the gold medalist next to him seemed somewhat otherworldly.-----When Javier has reached his dream of an Olympic medal, he starts reminiscing about his shared history with Yuzuru.





	i'm struggling to exist with you (and without you)

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from "bishops knife trick" by fall out boy
> 
> (i know this is like a year late but i hope you'll still be able to enjoy it! <3)

There are camera flashes all around him and the crowd in the sold out arena is still buzzing with excitement, its energy even reaching the stands where Javier is waiting for the flower ceremony.

This is all he's been working for for years but now that he's finally here it feels somewhat surreal to him and he takes a moment to breathe and take it all in. This is not at all a bad place to be for a figure skater from Spain and who would have thought that he would actually reach all this when he started out as a senior.

Even though it seems ages ago now, Javier still remembers his first real accomplishments in the skating world. He still remembers what it felt like, being 20 and full of happiness over his second medal, what it felt like having his whole career right there in front of him, full of so many chances waiting to be taken. How silver in a Grand Prix event was the stuff of dreams and how the gold medalist next to him seemed somewhat otherworldly.

Javier remembers being young and looking at his even younger fellow competitor with a minimally higher score than him and that he couldn't help but be utterly fascinated by him.

He didn't know why he felt that pull towards Yuzuru. He knows he said something at the press conference about him being so young yet already so accomplished but it wasn't just that, not really. Of course, Yuzuru was young then – only shy of 17 – and he was oozing raw talent, but looking back Javier starts to think that that was maybe not the only reason he felt drawn to him.

Then again, everything felt extremely exhilarating at the time – feeling your own improvement and seeing that reflected in your scores and getting an idea where your career could potentially lead. It's all his younger self had dreamed about and he finally felt like he was indeed creating something on the ice.

And, because it's just in his nature, he reckons, he's always felt the need to share his joy with other people, which is why he found himself talking about Yuzuru without being prompted and about how happy he was that he won gold that day. He just felt like he was floating, being in second place and with such a talented competitor before him.

Little did he know this young and impressive skater would turn out to be his training mate for the next couple of years – and how talking about Yuzuru's accomplishments and skating in general would become a recurring theme in Javier's life, only now he would be explicitly asked about him. And, more often than not, only about him.

In his ugliest moments he would start resenting the attention his training mate would get over him and how he only seemed to get used so that people might catch a glimpse into the enigma that is Yuzuru Hanyu. He knew it was unfair of him to feel that way, especially since the admiration he got was accounted for by his country's general focus on the sport and its idolization of its successful representers. And Javier has learned that the younger man doesn't always bask in his status; Yuzuru's learned to live with it and to deal with it accordingly, but to this day Javier's not sure he actually enjoys it most of the time.

He still remembers how the teenager looked standing on the podium at his first World Championships, acting so happy and startled all at once. And Javier saw him and couldn't help but feel like he was looking at someone so bright and beautiful and promising but overwhelmed by the life going on around him off the ice.

Now, though definitely more mature and surer in his life, Yuzuru is still beautiful, and still like no other when he skates.

Sharing the ice with him for the longest time, Javier knows and he's seen the hard work and determination that makes him go on and keep breaking records. But more than witnessing those accomplishments, now Javier also has the memories of the last six years of training together, the hours and days when nothing would go right and Yuzuru would drift off to the lowest parts of his mind.

He knows ugly parts of Yuzuru, knows how frustrating he can be, how stubborn, how cold. How he can shut people out and can swiftly put his own walls up so that he won't allow anyone around him to notice any trace of vulnerability he might have. Those have been tiring times even though Javier tried to give him the space he demanded. He's had his own skating to concentrate on after all. Yet, they always remained civil towards each other while struggling through those moments.

But even with all that history – and probably because of that history and the countless memories – Yuzuru's also more real to him now than he was back in 2011; even with all that knowledge and new emotions, Javier can't help but still be fascinated by him, only now in a decidedly less distant way. After all, he's been the skater who's been the closest to him this entire time and who has learned how to read him, even if he maybe hadn't realized that till now.

This relationship, he sees now, is a real thing that wouldn't exist without all the hardships and frustrations, the tears and the hugs and the reassurances said between them in accented English.

In a weirdly aloof way, he acknowledges he belongs to Yuzuru's history now, and he's become an integral part in how he got to be the skater he is today. And it's not only his skating career, he reckons, he's had an impact on Yuzuru as a person as well.

It's a strange thought to him since he always seems like such a self-accomplished person who's never really needed anyone else on his path to success. Only this is not true, and Javier feels like he should have realized sooner just how highly Yuzuru thinks of him.

But more than that, he knows that Yuzuru considers him a friend, maybe even one of his closest friends. Javier is more social and outgoing as a person, so he believes he has a different understanding of friendship perhaps than he does. Then again, Yuzuru shows his appreciation and affection differently than him, which caused them to make up their own way of communicating with each other to avoid misunderstandings. They've both had to work with one another to understand where the other is coming from, they've learned to try and see things through each other's eyes.

And if Javier looks back on their path together from the other man's perspective, doesn't this make it all the more meaningful - that Yuzuru let him be so close?

He looks to his right and sees him standing there, giggling and joking with Shoma in rapid-fire Japanese that Javier couldn't hope to understand but what he does understand is the pure happiness and relief he is radiating in this moment. He recognizes this is all he's ever wished for him. And he also recognizes, with a start, that they got to this moment because of each other; because Yuzuru made him the skater and the man he is today in turn.

When he thinks of the future he finds no concrete plans there so far since Javier is definitely going to withdraw from Worlds this year – not that anyone officially knows about this yet. He knows Yuzuru will do so as well. Strangely, he actually finds comfort in that, that none of them will go there without the other. It makes him feel like they're still sharing some parts of the road together.

Even so, their time together has run out for the most part but for now they can allow themselves to stay in this limbo like state, delay the inevitable goodbye for a little while longer. Though this doesn't mean they shouldn't talk about this sooner rather than later, he knows this. Javier's heart aches when he thinks about all this coming to an end, about the fact that he will have to part ways with him.

He's going to miss this man, with all his sharpness and warmth, with his intensity and carefree laughter, with his bitterness and benignity.

So maybe he doesn't mind too much anymore, that he always gets asked about Yuzuru.

Javier is an Olympic medalist now and he has left his mark in figure skating history. He has achieved more than he had ever dreamed of when he was a young skater with his second medal ever and full of giddiness about qualifying for the Grand Prix Final.

But Yuzuru, he's sure of it, he will go on. He will want to keep on skating, breaking records and reinventing himself. And Javier will keep on supporting him.

He owes it to their shared history, he thinks at first but catches himself when he realizes that – no, he _wants_ to. Because even though he will move on from his competitive career, there are some things worth holding on to.

He steps closer to his fellow medalists beside him and draws them – draws _him_ – into a hug, turning his back to the cameras all around them. At once he can feel Yuzuru resting his forehead against his temple and the commotion around them fades away and becomes merely background noise. It's a shallow imitation of intimacy really, but – and even if it's just for a moment – he will gladly take this opportunity. Here at the height of their success. He's got something important to tell Yuzuru, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> when i started writing this i was planning (or at least thought) to make it more sad or bitter or like melancholic along the lines of "2011 when javi would talk abt yuzu unprompted at their first shared pc vs 2018 when javi has spent many of his interviews being asked almost solely about yuzu" but then i just wanted javi to look back on a healthy and fulfilling partnership sue me
> 
> (also if you haven't seen it watch that press conference from rostelecom cup 2011, javi looked at yuzu with literal stars in his eyes omg he was so loud smh)
> 
> thank you for reading! <3


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